How see through this philosphy class

        As a student of few words, many times I find it difficult to convey my own thoughts out loud, as I'm concerned a lot about whether they mean anything to others or myself. Philosophy is a matter that only I'm concerned with in regards to asking the question 'why am I here' or even how to uncover how my personality can be used to contribute to the lives of others around me. These issues present me with another, hindering roadblock that I can't seem to ever shake: knowledge on the self-existence.
         Getting the confidence to do things like speak in socratic seminars, or just classroom conversations has always been a challenge (mostly for me), and with philosophy, there's an even bigger hindrance because the subject matter is much more broad than an average English class. Everything that has lead up to even this small point in my life (the philosophy in lit class) has made me question my existence and identity in choices such as taking a much different workload from other people. I wanted to make it a reality that I would be a different student in senior year, one who would speak freely his own thoughts and views on the world around him, but even while there is an unseen mover that is the human brain, pieced together by remnants of pure thought, or a God that moves objects toward actuality whilst distributing free will among all worldly creatures and humans, there is a limit to life and the choices that people can make, many of which are not, in fact, up to them themselves. A subconscious always prevents me from doing what I wish I could do for example, and while I would want to write down all my thoughts on this blog post that I'm in the process of typing, an unknown mover within me prevents me from doing so perhaps because of fear of not sounding like a perfect student, or the most intelligent person that I, or anyone else could be.
         Existence for the sake of this class may be, for me, to get a grade of 'A', but for what purpose I don't know, because I may be most likely be trying to only get into Santa Monica or El Camino college. But for the most part, that may not be what I truly want even though I may or may not have a wide array of choices surrounding this situation. Though we strive for perfection and set standards for ourselves, nothing can go through in all the ways we imagine them, or how we want them to be. While we pursue the same goal of receiving an 'A' in this class, limits are set on every single individual person, as the unseen and unmoving mover makes us the way we are: not prone to change easily, but only different in the ways we pursue our own philosophy in lit class goal, and/or our other separate goals.
        While we may exist for the purpose of finding our own destiny and convincing ourselves that (maybe) fate is not predetermined for everyone, we can exist to find our path that will convince us of the world and others, in the image we would prefer to see it in. Perhaps a soul is a mover within us that gives us our purpose in free will and individual growth of character in the chase for our own self-good, and maybe a God exists to place us down the path for perfection and actuality, but while we may not be able to achieve the perfection, we can reach levels of excellence that will get us an 'A' in this class, realize more useful philosophy, or for me, help in proving that my existence is not to stay quiet during the class discussions and seminars, which may help my speaking confidence.