Point Counter Point: Walter Bidlake

"Consciously he had always been on the side of his mother, on the side of purity, refinement, the spirit...And now two years of Majorie...made him consciously dislike cold virtue...even though...he was still ashamed of his dislike...what he regarded as sensual desires...his love for Lucy...He could give her friendship...But love-that was suffocating...He knew that the moment the door had shut...he knew...[he] ought to go back...It was a flight from his conscience and...hastening toward his desire...He hurried on, hating her because he had made her so unhappy..." (Chap. 1 Pages 9-11)

Walter is a journalist and critic currently living in London, and is the son of sensual painter and 'pleasure for the sake of pleasure figure' John Bidlake. Walter is illustrated as a weak man who desperately wants to get away from his partner, Majorie, as he is unhappy being with her because he is guilty about not being able to love her. He also despises Majorie because he is guilty of causing her the pain of being together with man who does not love her.

He is the hapless lover and victim of the sado-masochistic and un-empathetic Lucy Tantamount, because she nearly doesn't give a damn about him, and only has him around as a mere object and toy, to his knowledge, but he can't seem to understand why he is attracted to her so much, as she is not that pretty herself. It is also implied that while he lusts, he hates her for using others and being compassionless.

Walter lives in the realm of the aesthete, he lives for the moment and is not dedicated to a long term-goal or interest, but more than others, Walter is extremely weak and passive, and seeks happiness in stuff that he really has no control over, his body commits the actions even though his mind is in a different focal point; he constantly have to live with the decisions he makes even though he hates making them, and cannot bring himself to carve anything else out of the satisfaction he hopes to gain.

Help (warning: kinda long)

The month of November is over, and so are most of the college applications that the seniors should have mostly completed by now (especially for UC's), which means that the nervous wait has already begun.

A lot of people are completely satisfied with their essays, personal statements, and accomplishments that have garnered depth for the student's application(s), and others, including myself, are left standing afraid far amongst the crowd, for fear of rejection, and regret over what has transpired over their current high school career.

"Why didn't I do that one thing that could've looked on my resume for community service?"
"Why didn't I have the courage to do this one little thing that would've changed the way a teacher looked at me in previous grades?"
And "If only I was this way, then my personal essay could've shown more about my artistic character or my hardships, and maybe my grades might even look better than they are right now."

No, I don't know of many people who have actually said this, but judging by the way this school goes about college and CCC business, one could think that these are the things that 99% of the people do in fact care about, obviously because the future is important. And people want to be in a place where they know they'll fit in or be accepted by their peers and equal others, and no one actually wants to fail at anything, right?

There's been a weird kind of deal that comes with every acknowledgment of possible failure, including stuff in and outside of school. That one test in Bio where the chapter was really long and incidentally, it was hard to keep the focus and will to actually read it, and when the test came around the corner, most of the material seems pretty new (unless someone with incredible memory could memorize in the brief stint of time it was mentioned in Mr Spo's or Mrs. Bledsoe's class), and then you realize that you might just fail this. -
- The moment comes when you get the test back, and low-and-behold, you failed. But big deal, this is one of many and you've got a lot of chances to make up the points with other ones, and use this one instance as a learning experience, hopefully. ?

So at first, it's not a big deal, but looking at the paper brings a sense that maybe you might not be good at the class, or that you're methods are wrong, and with the paper in your hands, you can either feel proud that this will be a lesson in the future, and shrug it off like its nothing and go about what ever you were doing or thinking about before, or feel sorry that this was the result, and act like you'll recover (and depending on whether or not you're in front of other people, dignity and pride will prevent you from talking about this as if it were a good thing) in no time. But in this type of school environment, where the kids care about learning, getting good grades, and being the best they can be in front of others who'd want to do the same, who would want to be seen as a weak link?

Being seen as, exactly that, makes a lot of people want to feel pride because asking for help, in many cases, does make people seem weak. Not doing tasks by oneself and other people knowing about it can make it seem like that individual doesn't have all the independence clichés that most adolescents, it turns out, are supposed to have. And one might only be thinking that in this place, where virtually every kid is intelligent and hardworking, there can be no margin of error, because getting help doesn't make you look smart enough, for some reason.   

Hypothetically, it's true that when we look in the back of the science or math textbook for the homework answers, even though we haven't understood the material, we don't actually learn anything. It's just a way to regurgitate in our own handwriting, work that doesn't happen to be our own. That's a way that people who don't want help fail in their respective class(es). It might even be that people procrastinate either because they think that if they make the wrong move, they'll fail that assignment and thus give themselves more time until the last minute, or they think the work is pointless and would rather work on something that's more enjoyable. And in the end, everyone hates procrastinating because it prevents us from getting the desired sleep, but someone can only wonder why we never cease to stop doing it for the most part.

So we procrastinated here and there and didn't do all the things we wanted to do or accomplish during this stint in high school, and yes, there's a lot of regret involved which is made worse by the fact that we can't go back in time and redo our life the way we wanted. Well more often than not, this might be due to thinking more about the long term results than the process itself.

Someone once said that regret, is basically permanent. Think of it as a mark, or scar, on a tree that can never go away and mend itself. That mark might be permanent, but the tree itself, doesn't have to stay the same. More branches can grow around the trunk where the scar is, more leaves can grow and flowers can form and bloom, covering that ugly spot. We can't really get rid of regret, but we can outgrow it with more experiences, having more good times to remember that happened after that one regret formed in the past.

The process matters if we make of it an opportunity to ask for help, something that honestly, no human can get by without in life, living or nonliving (an outside force, nonetheless), because we shouldn't be afraid of it just because we think that some other people might see us as weak due to the fact. And we might get rejected by a few colleges here and there, either because that university might not be looking for someone like us, or because we don't have enough things on our resume. But even there's just as much, actually more opportunities in college that anyone can take advantage of, even if the social life or the good grades might not come immediately upon our arrival.

Stick to a path that makes you truly happy, because there'll always be someone that is there to help you; someone that you might meet in college, or develop a great friendship or intimacy. And because it's still the first semester of the senior year, this is technically the final stretch that you nee to get through before a college can think about accepting you, just try not to worry so much about it and focus on the present.

A lot of stuff is easier said than done, and I'm pretty guilty of procrastinating and being afraid of having a wrong answer in class and socratic seminars, but I guess this stuff is advice on just how to better approach anything.  This post was also honestly all over the place and kind of disorganized and really long (and no one will probably read this anyway lol) but it's kinda just a way to think about 'what now?' after submitting all the college stuff :) 

Walt Whitman: Poem III

"I have heard the talk...of the beginning and end,

But I do not talk of the beginning or the end.

 

There was never any more inception than there is now,

Nor any more youth or age than there is now;

And will never be any more perfection than there is now,

Now any more heaven or hell than there is now.

 

...Clear and sweet is my soul...and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul.

 

...Shall I postpone my acceptation and realization and scream at my eyes,

That they turn from gazing after and down the road,

And forthwith cipher and show me to a cent,

Exactly the contents of one, and exactly the contents of two, and which is ahead?"

 

This excerpt from the third poem in the collection of Walt Whitman's poetry tells of the kind of person the narrator chooses to be: he prefers to live in the moment rather than the past and/or the present, and illustrates himself as a person who cares to be anyone who so chooses to live for the sake of free will and pride.

 

Because the narrator believes that there will be no "...youth than there is now...any more perfection than there is now..." nor "...any more heaven or hell than there is now..." the narrator believes that while the process of living, and life itself is a struggle for men like himself, people like him realize that the point of his life is realizing and accepting one's abilities, fitness, and admiration in all things considered. While the narrator does not concede any trace of identity for himself, the contradictions that he reveals about himself, including mentioning of out of nothing, there may still be advancement, a "...knit of identity..." means to be full of substance, and means tat there will always be new breeds of life that will arise from life's process in the moment of growth.

 

Because of this, no matter who someone claims to be, the narrator sees that there must always be ..."a knit of identity..." and distinction in the lives of those ho live their lives for the sake of the moment at hand, or the present, and to "...elaborate..." on a future or past is meaningless because it is better to be happy knowing nothing of uncertainty of the future.

 

The seemingly defiant, and prideful nature of this poem reveal that the narrator truly believes in present growth and progress, and how the interaction between man and his future, and how he decides to be content with aspects of his being and actions, is what gives a life meaning and a person, whoever that may be, a sense of purpose and identity.

Some people fear...

Life can be easy for some, hard for others, and sometimes impossible to bear for a few, but, for the most part, a common thread shared by all, that shapes humanity, is a fear that each person has depending on where they come from, what talents they might have, and what others around them tend to be like. Of course, as I mentioned before, life can be simple for a select few that might have not experienced the same type of fears and pain that others have felt (in general), but because each person is different, each fear that shapes who that person is, is different, and those with similar fears always have different nuances in their behavior(s).

In any random high school class, there are some people who love to convey their thoughts and ask open-minded questions because he/she believes that sharing his/her opinions has merit and significance in the learning process, or perhaps he/she just likes to speak. There are some who don't really care whether or not they talk about something in class, and there are a few who want to be able to have the power to bring out their thoughts, but always have something that holds them back, and/or have a fear that they won't be able to convince others that their opinions matter (like me). Sure, one can say that the whole concept of free will is to prove that fate is determined by the way a person chooses to live his/her own life, but for the most part, many lack that extra edge to use their resource(s) to their advantage (if there is one at all). Usually, a fear can be integrated into one's thoughts and mannerisms, which shapes what we do and why we do it, and, being creatures of habit, once we begin to let our certain fear(s) dictate what we do and how we behave, it can be difficult to change our habits, good or bad.

A personal pet peeve of mine is actually being called upon by a teacher to answer some question that he/she wants answered, and, depending on how proficient or how knowledgeable I am in the subject material, I fear certain classes and activities more so than others. As a violist in the symphony orchestra, it's important that I play with a passionate feeling and nature that compliments the music and other instruments in the group, and, having been playing classical stringed instruments for such a long time, it's fine for me to play an instrument with others in a musical group. When playing with other people, pressure is taken off because it's easier to fit one's musical sound and tone in with other instrumentalists, but when playing a solo in front of others, the pressure to play well increases, and it even makes me afraid of sounding bad that I find my abilities actually worsen when I'm in that sort of situation. The last thing I would want to do is actually sound like a not-so-good violist in front of others, to the point that I would refuse to play by myself, for fear of being judged.

Ironically, such is the case in music theory class, where I realized my theory abilities were not so great compared to those of others (who have actually taken a music theory class). Thus, fifth period is the time I fear the most during the day because I don't know the material as well as others, and the teacher, who knows I don't know much about the course material, always calls on me (which I guess is supposed to make me better and want to succeed). For me, every time I mess up in that class, I get a feeling to improve and not look bad next time in front of other people, but for some reason, I always get to the point where I feel like I don't want to try improve, because I feel like I can never reach perfection in the subject material that I so desire to achieve. The same goes for a musical solo that sounds great when you listen to someone else perform it; that recording sounds so good that you'd want to perform the piece just the way it sounded, but something prevents you from attempting to try it because you feel you could never play it the same way another person could. That's the way a person like me feels everyday, not just applying to a  musical piece.

In the past, I've had some warranted (and some unwarranted) fears that someone like my dad or mom, is trying to live vicariously, through me. I happened to be a child of someone who loved to play sports, and I also somehow managed to pick up the desire to play soccer (which later turned out fitting because I happen to be at just the right height of 5'7 now). I was enrolled in club soccer at an early age because, supposedly, I happened to be good at it a certain point, and most of my time spent involved playing soccer. As time went on however, my parents gradually became more concerned with my ability and how I approached competition. They began scowling at me during games and reprimanding me for doing something wrong to the point of being flat-out demeaning, and, naturally, I lost interest in what I was doing because I felt like I was only there to prove to the parents that I wasn't a failure, and I only participated in the events and soccer because I was so concerned with failing that I developed a loathing for it, to the point where I couldn't practice or try hard anymore because I felt I could never reach anyone else's expectations and wishes, for fear of being judged.

Once a person's fears begin to dictate the way he/she lives for such a long period of time, it becomes increasingly difficult to change the way a person is, as Plato's cave metaphor demonstrates. If a group of people, Plato states, was forced into a dark cave, and made to live in darkness for many years, whilst seeing only a reflection of a light source, the only knowledge the group would know would be darkness itself, with only a faint source (reflected light from a torch) as a 'truth' that is unknown to anyone in the group to a full extent. After many years, if the group of people were led out of the cave, and shown pure light directly from the sun, they would all be blinded by the true source that they would never comprehend, having never been subject to the light from the sun. Being uncomfortable with newfound knowledge that looking at the 'truth' is hurtful, and having been living in darkness for many years, the same group would no longer be relieved to be led out into the new world, and would only want to retreat back into the cave that they all knew so well.

Thus some people fear that the unknown contains too many negative consequences to risk attempting to change, and while life for some can be simple, living for others can be an unbearable burden that we wish could lessen in weight off our shoulders, but the way we are is dictated by fear, however small or impactful the fear(s) may be, I'm shaped with the constant thought that I doubt my own ability, to even act as a human being with even a slight opinion or say in my actions.

Empathetic Actions (Post Unit 1 Socratic Seminar)

When watching something like a slasher film, or some other horror movie, seeing a character sustain or fall from a wound inflicted upon them by a villain always makes me cringe and feel some of the pain that the character is feeling. I try to avoid at all costs the moments when a person falls victim to physical pain and wounds, because it makes people like me feel unwanted empathy, which is also the reason that I don't like that genre of films. People like my sister, and one of my uncles whom I know so well, don't look away when watching the same scenes as me, and don't cringe when the moment where pain is inflicted onto a character. Knowing how my sister appears to be kind and caring around her own friends, but unfeeling in this situation, I realized soon after that sympathy and empathy are different things, and to some degree, I believe that just because one has one trait, doesn't mean that the other will inhabit the same individual. However, at the same time, it can be said that if one experiences the specific type of pain felt before, sympathy for others who are known to receive the same type of pain, grows from the person with the certain experiences.

It hurts hypothetically to know someone or be around one individual who cannot feel the pain that we are feeling at a certain moment, because as social creatures of habit, we prefer to have some comfort among others in social interaction, people who can make us feel better and help us out in need for the sake of friendship or love. Many times, however, involves suffering of individuals who do not have the same safety or having others that share their experiences, and others who completely lack empathy, and thus lack the necessary chemicals the share others' experiences. In this sense, empathy is merely but a chemical that connects us as human beings that share a sense of humanity; it allows us to be with one another, and either share or disagree with views put forward to act as either 'good' or 'bad' beings.

If empathy is but a mere chemical compound that follows a normal distribution among human beings, high in a few, even in frequency at a medium amount in most, or in low amounts, or even nonexistent in a few as well, it still is probably the most important thing for us to act as human beings, and allows connection with others around us. From an early age, people can learn the feeling of pain, i.e. when touching an oven that is on, and burns one of our fingers, we respond by creating a sensory memory of an oven being hot that burns us, and that we should not touch it in the future based on experience. If empathy exists in an individual, then when we see another person burn their finger by touching a hot oven, we can either feel their pain to some extent, or even feel a sense of sympathy for the pain they have just experienced. If one lacks empathy however, that individual most likely cannot feel the same pain the other has experienced, even though they themselves have probably faced before, but nonetheless either feel sympathy because they were taught to, or do not feel any sympathy as well whatsoever. In this sense, in society, the pain that others face in their lifetimes can either be reflected by the world community as a whole, or let go because most people (or just the leaders) in another community lack the necessary empathy to formulate a societal definition of what is wrong and what is right when looking at the pain another group faces. Empathy then must be the gateway for individuals to decide what they feel affects themselves and not just others in terms of good and evil, and just because one part of society may think something is bad because it is not on par with what their standards on good are (much of society has empathy and shares a uniform standard of good and evil in most cases), another group may think the opposite way.

How see through this philosphy class

        As a student of few words, many times I find it difficult to convey my own thoughts out loud, as I'm concerned a lot about whether they mean anything to others or myself. Philosophy is a matter that only I'm concerned with in regards to asking the question 'why am I here' or even how to uncover how my personality can be used to contribute to the lives of others around me. These issues present me with another, hindering roadblock that I can't seem to ever shake: knowledge on the self-existence.
         Getting the confidence to do things like speak in socratic seminars, or just classroom conversations has always been a challenge (mostly for me), and with philosophy, there's an even bigger hindrance because the subject matter is much more broad than an average English class. Everything that has lead up to even this small point in my life (the philosophy in lit class) has made me question my existence and identity in choices such as taking a much different workload from other people. I wanted to make it a reality that I would be a different student in senior year, one who would speak freely his own thoughts and views on the world around him, but even while there is an unseen mover that is the human brain, pieced together by remnants of pure thought, or a God that moves objects toward actuality whilst distributing free will among all worldly creatures and humans, there is a limit to life and the choices that people can make, many of which are not, in fact, up to them themselves. A subconscious always prevents me from doing what I wish I could do for example, and while I would want to write down all my thoughts on this blog post that I'm in the process of typing, an unknown mover within me prevents me from doing so perhaps because of fear of not sounding like a perfect student, or the most intelligent person that I, or anyone else could be.
         Existence for the sake of this class may be, for me, to get a grade of 'A', but for what purpose I don't know, because I may be most likely be trying to only get into Santa Monica or El Camino college. But for the most part, that may not be what I truly want even though I may or may not have a wide array of choices surrounding this situation. Though we strive for perfection and set standards for ourselves, nothing can go through in all the ways we imagine them, or how we want them to be. While we pursue the same goal of receiving an 'A' in this class, limits are set on every single individual person, as the unseen and unmoving mover makes us the way we are: not prone to change easily, but only different in the ways we pursue our own philosophy in lit class goal, and/or our other separate goals.
        While we may exist for the purpose of finding our own destiny and convincing ourselves that (maybe) fate is not predetermined for everyone, we can exist to find our path that will convince us of the world and others, in the image we would prefer to see it in. Perhaps a soul is a mover within us that gives us our purpose in free will and individual growth of character in the chase for our own self-good, and maybe a God exists to place us down the path for perfection and actuality, but while we may not be able to achieve the perfection, we can reach levels of excellence that will get us an 'A' in this class, realize more useful philosophy, or for me, help in proving that my existence is not to stay quiet during the class discussions and seminars, which may help my speaking confidence.